Dear Dr. Larry: The Human Helper

 

Dear Dr. Larry,

Being married for the past six years has really taken a toll on me. I have just recently noticed the routine we’ve slipped into; everyday when I come home from work, I find her in the same spot that she was in when I left her. Then, weekends are spent usually cutting coupons, tending to our garden and going to Benihana for special occasions. So this past week I decided to have an affair with the sandwich artist that works at the sub shop I take my lunch breaks at. The experience left me wanting more, but also feeling guilty. Should I tell my wife, or keep this my little secret? –Meatball Sandwich Guy

Dear Meatball Guy,

Right away I can say that your marriage makes me glad that I change my phone number every other month. Did you and your spouse forget that variety is the spice of life? As for your decision about whether or not you should tell your wife, I would go ahead and let her know because you basically told her with this question. The point of my service is to ask vague questions so you can remain totally anonymous. All of that goes out the window when you are giving me very specific details about your life. On second thought, don’t tell your wife about the affair. Keep it our secret, and if she doesn’t find out, you guys are perfect for each other.

 

Dear Dr. Larry

While I was on a business trip, my son came out of the closet to my wife. Being the very religious person she is, she immediately kicked him out of the house. Then when I returned home and told her that she did the wrong thing, she claimed that I was gay for sticking up for him before kicking me out of the house. Currently my son and I are living in the basement of his friend’s house. I do not know how much longer we have until they find out their son isn’t the one consuming all of the family’s lean cuisines. Any chance you could let us stay at your house? – Father Son Team

Dear Father Son Team-

Unfortunately my apartment couldn’t possibly fit two more people. With construction of a jacuzzi in my  living room I barely have enough room for my statue of Jesus playing poker with Satan. The solution to your problem lies somewhere inside your wife. But first, ask yourself these questions. Where did you meet your wife? Does she often blame others for her own problems? Does she have problems trusting entertainment magazines? Answer these questions and the results will bring you closer to what went wrong.

P.S

I am sending you Lean Cuisines so you and your son can taste their new organic dishes that you are sure to love.

 

Dear Dr. Larry

Is there another way to get porn besides the Internet? My parents have took away all my electronics besides my apple watch. And the screen on that isn’t big enough anyway. Before I came to you I asked my friends, but they were too busy to even answer. –Above 18yrs old

Dear 14-year-old kid

Men and women have been masturbating since the beginning of time and believe it or not, they didn’t need the Internet. Journals and magazines were very big before you were even a thought. Individuals like your father can be thanked for porn innovation over the years. Also, do not seek out magazines just for their pornography; proper ‘porno-mags’ should also come with articles to stimulate two parts of the body. To get the most these periodicals, I recommend picking up the Journal, “Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality” published in 1973. A personal favorite of mine, and the writing that accompanies the images are just excellent. Be sure to check out the must read chapter on nipples after picking this up.

 

Dear Dr. Larry,

Ever since my daughters entered kindergarten, they have become obsessed with going to Disneyland. I believe the other girls in their class have been telling them that if your parents love you, that you’ll get to go. I love my kids, but right now we don’t have the money. Is there a way to explain it to my kids to avoid crying and potential hatred of us? – Pensive Mother

Dear Righteous Mother,

Right now is the turning point in your daughter’s lives, and I need you to choose correctly. Take that money that you currently have for the Disney trip and put it in the bank. Label that bank account “Higher Education”. Do not fall into temptation because Disney is in fact, the white man’s crack rock. Once is too much, and your kids will fall into a perpetual cycle of throwing hard earned money at materialistic items that will only stunt their mental growth. Your daughters will thank you once they are educated enough to understand.

 

Dear Dr. Larry,

Something weird happened this past weekend. On the way to my husband and I’s favorite restaurant he was very adamant about driving, which is fine-I was tired that day and wanted to enjoy the radio. On the way there we barely talked and he insisted on playing country music. He only sang once, and it was to the song, “Should’ve been a Cowboy,” by, well I do not remember it now, but as the song was playing he took some wrong turns. It only took us off track by ten minutes before we finally got to the restaurant downtown. Tell me doctor, does this isolated incident mean anything? -Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,

If it happens again, I think you should be worried. Anytime a man turns to country music to either relax his nerves or to figure out problems he cannot answer, there is bound to be trouble. For the upcoming week, do your best not to smother him. Instead you should observe him. If you see him acting out of the ordinary, write it down in a notebook and send them off to your mother-in-law. If Freud is correct, then she will be able to please him. On the off chance his mother is dead or not in the picture, begin making accusations. By the way, was the place that you both went to that night serving a Japanese cuisine?

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