If Donald Trump was a Sorority Girl: A Day in the Life

Written by: Kelly Coccio

Saturday, February 18th, 2017

7:45 AM – “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepson blasts through the chapter house bedroom as a very small hand reaches out from under a pink ruffled comforter to snooze the alarm.

7:55 AM – The alarm begins again accompanied by the muffled sounds of grunts as yellow strands of hair begin to emerge from under the covers.

7:56 AM – Donald lays in bed looking at his iPhone 7 in it’s new Lilly Pulitzer case with a glittery monogram decal on the back, adjusting the brightness levels after the light started to aggravate his hangover caused from a wild Thursday night at the local bar.

8:00 AM – Tweet sent: “@realDonaldTrump: I can’t believe Jessica posted that photo of me on snapchat making out with Sarah’s bf at Bonvue last night. It’s CLEARLY FAKE. NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE. SHAMEFUL JESSICA.”

8:02 AM – Tweet sent: “@realDonaldTrump: P.S. GIVE ME MY ROMPER BACK JESSICA I KNOW YOU STILL HAVE IT! I’LL SEE YOU IN CHAPTER.”

8:05 AM – Donald emerges from bed with last nights makeup smeared over his face.

8:12 AM – Donald pulls his favorite pink Vineyard Vines shep shirt over his head, making sure not to mess up his hair.

8:27 AM – A pulled together Donald makes his way to the chapter house kitchen to make some breakfast. Upon arriving to a kitchen full of sisters asking about his night, he refuses to answer any of their questions.

8:43 AM – Donald leaves the chapter house, and with his hangover getting the best of him, throws up in the bushes outside the house.

8:45 AM – After popping a fresh stick of gum and checking his hair in his iPhone camera, he meets up with his FWB, Vlad from Rho Upsilon Sigma, as they walk to class together. Donald refuses to admit to his sisters that he is indeed hooking up with Vlad.

11:50 AM – Donald finishes class for the day and heads to the dining hall to get lunch with some of his sisters.

12:04 PM – Over lunch, Donald and the girls gossip about the night before and talk about their upcoming social with Rho Upsilon Sigma, which is tonight.

12:05 PM – Lauren: So, Donny, are you gonna go home with Vlad tonight? We all know you two are hooking up. It’s soooo obvious, like come on bitch, you can tell us.

Donald: Look. I’ve told you a million times that there is nothing between us.

Haley: Don, I have pictures of you making out with him. Stop being so dramatic, you always get like this and it ruins the mood.

Donald: Wrong Haley. You’re wrong.

12:08 PM – Donald abruptly gets up from the table and tells the girls that he can’t take this kind of stress from them anymore, especially right before his standards meeting, and leaves.

12:30 PM – Donald sits in front of his chapter’s standards board to discuss his recent unacceptable behavior.

Standards: Sister Trump, it has come to our attention that these past few weeks your behavior has been completely unacceptable. As a member of this sisterhood, we hold all of our sisters to high standards, and it is important to remember that you are always representing this organization, even when you’re not wearing letters.

Donald: Look, whoever told you these things is just trying to make me look bad, I swear, I’m the best sister that ever lived. I’m better than our own founders. I am a founder.

Standard: Donald, you are not a founder. Stop talking. It has come to our attention that your social media usage has become out of control. You have two options. Either make your account private, or take our letters out of you bio.

Donald: BUT-

Standards: No buts. Do you want to be fined? Pick one.

2:03 PM – After an afternoon nap to ease his hangover, and his standards meeting, he throws on a baseball cap embroidered with his letters, an oversized t shirt from last Greek Week and large sunglasses and decides to make an alcohol run before the social tonight.

2:27 PM – Donald arrives at the liquor store with a list of booze to buy for some underage sisters. He grabs a cart, avoids eye contact with the clerk, and begins his search for strawberry champagne and peach mango svedka. “Basic bitches.” he whispers to himself.

2:56 PM – Incoming text: Vlad P: Hey baby, am i gonna see u at the social tn? I’ve been thinking about u all day

2:57 PM – Donald reads the text and blushes, although it’s hard to tell under all of the bronzer.

3:01 PM – Attempting to appear hard to get, Donald responds: new phone, who dis

8:15 PM – Donald and his sisters begin getting ready for their social with Rho Upsilon Sigma. Pandora’s Top Hits station plays in the background. All of his sisters use Spotify, but Donald insists that they are failing and don’t know what they’re doing, and will only listen to Pandora.

8:55 PM – Lauren advises Donald to maybe not wear too much bronzer, but that turns into a brief breakdown about Donald controlling his own decisions and no one else making decisions for him.

9:00 PM – After multiple outfit changes, a tipsy Donald is finally ready to start taking pictures with his sisters.

10:35 PM – Donald’s ride arrives and the girls pile into the car and take snapchat videos of them all drunkenly singing along to songs on the radio.

10:37 PM – Tweet sent: “@realDonaldTrump: omggg on our wat to the sociasl, its gonna be LIT!!!! The modgt lit ever. I promid, when I’m there itd alwaus lit. #getlit”

10:38 PM – Tagged in a tweet: “@laurenbabyxo: so we’re not even there yet and @realDonaldTrump just yacked in the backseat of the car. Wtf bitch pull yourself together lmao”

10:40 PM – Tweet sent: “@realDonaldTrump: @laurenbabyxo is a liar, she’s always trying to make me look bad. What a fake friend. SAD.”

10:57 PM – The girls arrive at the social where they are greeted outside by a pledge, Donald drunkenly pinches his butt and then runs into the house giggling with his sisters.

11:46 PM – The social is in full swing and Donald and Vlad end up making out up against the wall while grinding to Shaggy’s “It wasn’t me”.
They ultimately went home together that night and Donald got caught by his house mother trying to sneak Vlad up to his room on the 3rd floor of the chapter house. Donald now has another Standards meeting.

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