It has been thirteen days since the historic confirmation of Betsy DeVos. With Pence having to be the tiebreaker, she became our Secretary of Education without any public school experience. For those who don’t remember or forgot due to the Trump’s War on the media, I do not blame you. Already a month into this new administration, and I myself have aged four years.
Which is why I was surprised when Betsy DeVos herself reached out to the Groundhog Gazette. On the phone she mentioned that she wanted to set the record straight and talk about her outline for education.
“How about we meet for lunch at In and Out Burger in Pasadena?” I asked. Checking her calendar, Secretary DeVos then confirmed. We were to meet, February 18th at 1:00pm.
I pulled into the parking lot at 12:45pm. Walking to the entrance, I posted up outside awaiting her arrival.
Thirty minutes had passed when I began to think the old bag wasn’t going to show.
I was about to leave, but before I could, a black Cadillac came into the parking lot. The driver side door opened and a bald man with a suit walked over to open the car door. Betsy DeVos had arrived.
Putting her sunglasses into her purse, Secretary DeVos walked past me saying, “Lets get this over with.”
The door to In and Out was opened by one of their employees, but before we walked in, her driver rolled out a carpet that appeared to be made out of sloth skin.
While I was allowed to look at it, I was told not to touch it or walk on it by the driver.
“Yes,” DeVos began, “I’ll have a double-double, extra onions, animal fries and a strawberry shake.”
Following her up, I ordered a hamburger with extra spread, and water cup.
“Will that be for here or to go?” the cashier asked.
“For here,” I responded.
“Your total is $19.58.”
There was a moment of silence before Secretary DeVos began staring at me, to which I pulled out my wallet.
As I walked to go fill up my water cup with pink lemonade, the driver rolled the sloth-carpet that lead to our table by a window.
Returning to the table, I was about to sit down before the driver took the lemonade from my hand, and nodded his head in approval.
“All right, my fi…” I said before being cut off.
“Now Jimmy, where I come from, we pray before we eat.” She bowed her head and put her hands together. “May the heavenly father bless our food, and make sure that the energy we take in, will fuel our brains. God, please look down upon my opponents. For those who wish my downfall, smite them with your awesome power, so that their first-born child will bankrupt them with its medical bills. Amen”
Each of us began eating, and I can’t speak for her, but I was in heaven. In and Out Burger is as a safe place for me. To be honest, I cannot recall a time when I have had a bad time while eating their famous burgers. They make life bearable.
“Before we go any further, can you tell me your plan for the future of education in America?” I asked
Secretary DeVos’ mouth was full, but grabbed a pen from her purse and a napkin. As she was drawing her diagram, she would take sips from her strawberry milkshake.
“Hey!” DeVos yelled at her driver. “Does these look right?”
The bald man lifted his sunglasses and squinted at the drawing and nodded. DeVos then slid her napkin over for me to look at [which is the picture below].
I sat back in my seat, with my eyes going back and forth between the napkin and her face. To my surprise she went back to eating her burger.
“You can’t be serious,” I said.
With a smirk on her face she replied, “Well yes, I am joking, but my plan is more of less going to have that effect on public schools.”
I tried to form words to rebut; however all I could do was open and close my mouth while pointing at the napkin.
Chewing on her burger, DeVos said, “Jimmy, have you ever had a horrible teacher?”
“Yeah, but what does that have to do with what you’re planning?” I asked.
“Well, if you have ever tried to fire one, you would know that the unions are the ones that make them impossible to get rid of.” DeVos said.
“So what’re you trying to say is that you want schools to have absolute power over their teachers and students?”
DeVos sucked down the last of her milkshake.
“I don’t think you understand. All I have against unions is that they slow down business.”
The two of us stared at each other for a few seconds. My heart rate began increasing. After what seemed like forever, she sat back in her seat.
“Come on, you can trust me,” she said. “I am a successful business woman and I have great chemistry with many politicians.”
“But that’s kind of a problem. You just donate money to them. Of course they are gonna be nice to you.” I said
“Whatever.” she said.
The three of us sat in silence as I finished the rest of my meal.
Finally Devos broke the silence by saying, “Jimmy, I can tell you care about this country, and I promise that I’ll do the best I can. But it’s not easy starting a new job and already a lot of people are against you.”
DeVos smiled and her driver came to our table to finish the rest of the animal fries.
Thinking to myself, I couldn’t decide if Secretary DeVos was good or bad. Yeah, I know she doesn’t have any experience, but if my public schooling taught me anything, it’s to look past common sense when dealing with the athletes and rich kids. So, it serves the system right that a billionaire is in charge.
“Thanks again for lunch today Jimmy, but my driver is alerting me that it is time to go.” DeVos said.
“Is there anything else that you are going to include in your new educational plan?” I asked.
Stepping onto the sloth-skin carpet, Devos looked back and said, ‘the fuck should I know? I just took this job so I could get out of the house more often.”
And with that, DeVos and her driver left the building.
Thanks to the power of lobbying, we have given power to a woman who is so stinking rich, she took running the education for millions of kids as a hobby.