- You don’t have to be Muslim
All over the world, Muslim Terrorist groups have been capitalizing by receiving most of the attention. Even if the topic isn’t even about terrorism, a lot of key figures are mentioning Muslims and how they are a ‘danger to society’. Don’t let this discourage you when thinking about joining a terrorist organization, because in reality, terrorists come in all shapes and sizes (also colors!)
The best terrorists usually fall under a demographic alienated by society. However, if you have a crazy religion or believe the only way to gain power is through fear and senseless violence, you can be considered. So if don’t feel like picking up the Quran, don’t worry. There are plenty of other groups to join.
- Have a Unique Backstory
Terrorists today have all heard about how you think a certain type of race is ruining the world, and how God/Allah is all-powerful. BORING! Come on silly, let them know the real you. What are some of your hobbies? How about your most embarrassing moment? Are you good with Microsoft Office?
With social media, terrorists talk to many people every single day, why should they let you join?
“The most important thing we look for in new recruits is if they are outgoing, and above all else, if they can work well with a group of close-minded individuals.” Said anonymous source.
- Not everybody is a suicide bomber….
If you think all terrorists are suicide bombers, you are very confused. If that were the case, then the terrorism business sector would have already failed. Funerals cost money to hold and above all, chemistry of the group changes when a member leaves for the afterlife.
Think more behind the scenes. They need cooks, accountants, and even terrorists to perform skits to boost spirits. You can always move to a bigger role, but being a terrorist is more about wreaking havoc, it’s about holding your fellow extremist accountable. Especially when they don’t clean up after themselves.
- Don’t Be Afraid To Ask Questions
The biggest mistake you can make, when rushing a terrorist group, is to not ask questions. Questions are a way to break the ice as well as giving the recruiter and terrorist organization a little information about things that you find important. Some questions to ask could be…
- What has been your best experience as a terrorist so far?
- I understand the policy on not eating ham, but how strict is it?
- Do you match funds that go into my 401k?
- Can I keep my job at Disney?
When asking your questions, you will be able to make an educated decision based on the answers they give you.
Joining a terrorist group is no different than starting a new job or moving to a new home. There are rules you must learn and boundaries to be aware of.
If you find you’re not fitting in with one terror cell like you thought, it’s okay to leave. The worst thing you can do is to join a terrorist organization for its reputation and then end up hating the people in it.
Tommy Crockett of the Westboro Baptist Church says, “You just gotta trust the system. We’re all trying to get the best type of terrorist to join us, but sometimes the shoe won’t fit. GOD HATES FAGS.”
Whether you’re looking to join a terrorist organization or not, birds of a similar feather tend to flock, or whatever the saying is. Keep saying a bunch of crazy shit and you will either find yourself a group, or the FBI knocking at your door. Lastly, don’t get discouraged; you are a beautiful soul.