Your Relationship Is Not Special, Just Another Business

Over the past two years I have been lucky to say that I have been in a relationship with a person that I truly love. But this is not a post about how much I love my girlfriend. Go to Buzzfeed or The Odyssey for that bullshit.

During this time together I have become increasing aware of the ‘culture’ that comes with being in a relationship. Which consists of couple costumes, Valentines Day dates Screen Shot 2017-04-05 at 3.36.23 PMand knowing when and where you first met. Now all of this is overwhelming to a guy like me, but to make matters worse, all of this is posted for the world to see.

This past year my girlfriend and I got into a disagreement about how I did not make a post about her birthday on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook. Her side was, that it would have been nice to let people know. My side was that we spent the whole the day together. It would have made no sense to ignore her in person, to then post happy birthday on these sites.

Relationships are beautiful, but Social media has made me realize that relationships are no longer two people getting together and growing. Rather two businesses merging to create a company.

Everyone is now his or her own business. Each ‘business’ has their own history, the things they excel in, and the need to grow and expand. One way we do this is by networking with other businesses. When we become interested in a new business, we decide to do some research. That means going through their books (social media pages) but also figuring out whom they have done business with in the past (who have they had sex with).

If everything checks out (both parties agree) then the businesses merge together. Combining their assets to hopefully become something great. At this point both parties are happy yet unaware of the problems that will come.33686262326_9a0690ee68_z.jpg

Usually the woman acts as both the public relations and historian for the newly formed business. Their job is to document everything that the new business does and to show other businesses (couples) the progress. These pictures serve to distort the public’s perception of the business. Cute outfits and fabricated pictures cover up any conflict that the two businesses are having with the recent merger.

On the other hand, the man plays the role of the accountant and the banker. Tradition states the men are the ones pumping money into the operation. Just like public relations, these jobs can be tricky. All the money in the world will not guarantee success. Therefore the man must think before investing his money. Consistently spending a lot of money will only make your partner spoiled. Which will make them focus only on materialistic items. Try to avoid that.

All of this goes on and hopefully the partners are happy with their investment. Then, due to pressure from the public or because of insecurity of one of the partners, IPO talk begins. Personally I don’t believe in IPO’s, but that is neither here or there. To proceed in this new venture, the man must visit his partner’s board of directors (parents).

15846660150_f902131953_mThis meeting with the board usually consists of a PowerPoint presentation detailing the initial merge along with projections for the future. The board thinks it over and in most cases, the chairman of the board will agree.

Going forward, you and your partner’s jobs will change until your IPO goes live. In most cases the man will now be in charge of day-to-day operations while the woman is planning the IPO. She has dreamed her entire life about this day. In various notebooks from her youth, she has planned out the stock price’s and how much control she needs to stay CEO. Finally she rolls out a new marketing campaign to attract every investor both her and her partner know.

At last the day comes when the IPO goes live. Investors purchase stock (giving presents) so that the company has the capital to be successful in the future. This new company will celebrate its new beginning by having a retreat to build morale. Hopefully they thrive 4201964288_a94424ccb2_oand continue to grow together as a company. If they do not, legal teams are brought in to divvy up the assets and officially shut down their operation.

If the company continues to grow, stockholders burden them to introduce a product. Which will define the company going forward. Usually the first product goes well and right away the company creates their next product. The mindset behind this is that the two products will compete against each other for the company’s resources.

The process that I just described is currently being done all over the world. In different countries, business and how companies operate may vary, but they are all pretty much the same. Lately, there has been uproar about how some businesses can merge together but others cannot. To me, it makes no difference. Business is business.

In the end, business is everything. Marriage and weddings are no exception. The more I have become aware of this, the more questions I have. Why do people need to sign a contract and have a ceremony to prove they love someone? Why is the average cost of a wedding $29,858? Why isn’t that money used to put a down payment o
n a new house, or save it for later? Even though I cannot answer these questions I know that my current girlfriend wants to get married. In fact, after proofreading my first draft of this paper, she reiterated the fact once again. She probably is pushing this point because the people around her are asking if I have ‘west coast girlfriend’.

By the way I do not have one. The other day I paid $15 for a Caesar Salad. There’s no way I would want or even be able to afford to see someone else.

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